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Jimmy

IP: 75.111.117.81

Dec 16, 07 - 9:57 PM

Jokes-Keep them Clean

OK Rodney here we go--This Thread is started for you Pard. Thank You!!!

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Senators Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived: Senators Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Teddy, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT." Kennedy agreed it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Ted's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Teddy.

"Amen," said Hillary.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Rodney

IP: 66.141.78.69

Dec 17th, 2007 - 12:00 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Well, by cracky, reckon I'll post one, too!

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. "Her Majesty" and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and REJOICE." The senator seriously doubts it, and says, "One little wave of your hand and ALL the people will rejoice forever? Show me."

The Pope slapped her.

radiofreedixie

IP: 205.188.116.6

Dec 17th, 2007 - 12:04 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

al and jesse went to rome,and finally got a meeting
with the pope,trying to get sainthood for themselves.
they stopped by kfc to pick up some lunch.they were
shown into a garden in the vatican and told to wait
for the pope,jesse finished eating was walking around,
al was licking the bones when the pope came in.he made the sign of blessing said a few words to jesse
and left.al said he was to far away and making to much
racket licking the chicken bones to hear what the pope
said but saw the blessing.jesse said that it was no
blessing.the pope pointed to him and al and the chicken bones and paper on the ground.told him to get
himself,the garbage and chicken bones and paper off
the ground,and get out of there and never come back.

Valerie Protopapas

IP: 24.46.132.77

Dec 17th, 2007 - 12:49 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A very religious tourist was visiting all the great Christian leaders in the world. When he saw the Pope in his office, he noticed a magnificent telephone on his desk. The phone was gold with diamonds, rubies and sapphires encrusted in it. The man stared agog at it and asked the Pope what it was used for. The Pope smiled and said, "This is a direct line to God!"

"Oh!" said the man, "May I use it?"

"Certainly", said the Pope, but it will cost you a hundred million lire." The man thanked him and left.

Two months later, the man visited the Archbishop of Canterbury and saw the SAME phone on his desk. He asked if it was a direct line to God and the Archbishop said yes. Again the man asked if he could use the phone. "Certainly", said the Archbishop, "but it will cost you a million pounds." The man thanked him and left.

Several months afterward, the man met with a very important and famous Evangelical preacher in his magnificent church in the United States. And on his desk - no surprise - was the same phone. Again, the man asked if it were a direct line to God, again, he was told, "Yes!" and again he asked to use it. The minister said, "Certainly, but it will cost you one and a half million dollars." The man thanked him and left.

The next year, the man took a trip to Russia to see the sites. On his way to Moscow, his train stopped overnight in a very small town surrounded by dark woods. To pass the time, the man decided to walk down a narrow path into the woods and view nature. After about an hour, he came to a rough hut made of logs. A sawed off stump served as a chair in front of the unpainted door and on it sat a poor monk with a long beard and kindly eyes. The man stopped to speak with him and learned that he was a hermit who spent his life praying for his fellow men and praising God. After a while, the monk asked the man to come inside of his rude hovel and have a drink of goat's milk. The man entered the poor dwelling and was astounded to see the same phone on a rough bench. "Wait!" he shouted. "Is that a direct line to God?!"

"Yes," said the old monk paying little attention to the magnificent object. The man decided to try once more to use the phone and said, "May I use it?" The monk smiled and said, "Certainly!"

The man then asked, "How much will it cost?"

"One kopek." replied the monk. "From here it's a local call."

Rodney

IP: 66.138.33.105

Dec 17th, 2007 - 8:26 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

This is really stupid, but maybe that's what makes it good:

The Hokey-Pokey, Shakespeare Style

O proud left foot that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the Poke - banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Jimmy

IP: 75.111.117.81

Dec 18th, 2007 - 5:42 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

YOU MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF...

* You don't know kudzu from kung fu.

* You talk real fast and charm real slow.

* You think okra is a talk show host.

* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

* You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

* For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

* You don't know what a moon pie is.

* You have no idea what a polecat is.

* You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

* Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

* The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

* You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean)

* You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

* You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.

Rodney

IP: 66.141.78.58

Dec 18th, 2007 - 8:33 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "Ya know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yeah, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yep," Bubba says, "I know him; let's fly out to Washington."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The new Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time." So, off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This'll never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell ya what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

radiofreedixie

IP: 64.12.116.6

Dec 19th, 2007 - 12:57 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

i read this in one of those little historical
peroidcals,in 1890 a conn.yankee had 25lds of
gunpowder,that had gotten soaked.he put it in bread
pans to dry in his stove,after they found him in
the wreckage of his home,they thought he would live.

Valerie Protopapas

IP: 24.46.132.77

Dec 19th, 2007 - 2:40 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Unfortunately, yes - and probably breed as well, sad to say.

Rodney

IP: 66.138.33.160

Dec 19th, 2007 - 4:49 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a Yankee are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It is against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn.

So, the Yankee is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

It's the pig and the cow...

radiofreedixie

IP: 205.188.116.6

Dec 19th, 2007 - 7:27 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

state trooper saw a car slow down.the driver stared at him,then sped a way.he though how odd.he was going to check him out,he sped after him.the car sped up.
the trooper kept after him soon they were up to 90 mph
finally the man gave up and slowed down and pulled
over.the trooper walked up to the car and the man
was weeping,wailing,wring his hands and beating the
steering wheel.trooper asked what the problem.
the man said,"my wife ran off with a state trooper
last week,i thought you was him bringing her back".

Rodney

IP: 66.141.74.203

Dec 20th, 2007 - 6:34 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting, filthy, ugliest, and most obnoxious person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official. I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says...

"Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?"

PoP

IP: 68.59.226.17

Dec 20th, 2007 - 8:52 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Yankee from upstate New York was hiking through the mountains of Virginia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life.

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the Yankee, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.

"This is the outhouse."

radiofreedixie

IP: 64.12.116.6

Dec 21st, 2007 - 6:40 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

a man going to memphis picked up a small pig on the
side of the interstate to keep it from being ran over.
he was stopped for speeding,he expained the what was
going on with the pig.the trooper let him go and told
him to take the pig to the zoo.2 days later same trooper stopped same man,with same pig.the trooper
asked why he didn't take the pig to the zoo.the man
said he did,and the pig enjoyed it so much he was
going to take the pig to rudy falls.

unreconstructed1

IP: 68.47.204.86

Dec 21st, 2007 - 7:04 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

"i read this in one of those little historical
peroidcals,in 1890 a conn.yankee had 25lds of
gunpowder,that had gotten soaked.he put it in bread
pans to dry in his stove,after they found him in
the wreckage of his home,they thought he would live."

"Unfortunately, yes - and probably breed as well, sad to say"

now wait a minute, I thought Billy Yank said he was from Illinois, not Conneticut?

Rodney

IP: 66.137.71.120

Dec 23rd, 2007 - 7:21 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

I didn't write this, so don't blame me. You can blame me for sharing it with you, though.

'TWAS THE NOCTURNAL SEGMENT OF THE DIURNAL PERIOD PRECEDING THE ANNUAL YULETIDE CELEBRATION

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folklore appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prebuscent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luninosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

(To be continued.)

Rodney

IP: 66.137.71.120

Dec 23rd, 2007 - 7:26 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

'TWAS THE NOCTURNAL SEGMENT OF THE DIURNAL PERIOD PRECEDING THE ANNUAL YULETIDE CELEBRATION (Continued)

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector into his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadruped of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard this parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifying pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

Rodney

IP: 66.137.72.171

Dec 27th, 2007 - 11:25 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

CIRCLE FLIES

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"

"Oh, no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

Rodney

IP: 66.137.71.75

Dec 31st, 2007 - 2:17 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

LIVER AND CHEESE

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

"The sturdy, muscular black Labrador retriever speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says, "How well can you do?"

"Uh, I hate liver and cheese," blurts the golden retriever.

"My, my," said the poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the Lab and says...

"Liver alone. Cheese mine."

Rodney

IP: 66.141.75.174

Jan 3rd, 2008 - 5:22 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A man walked into a bar in San Antonio, Texas, and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching TV, one of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary Clinton is a horse's butt!" The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up, and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."

"It's not." replied the bartender. "This is horse country."

Rodney

IP: 66.137.70.171

Jan 3rd, 2008 - 9:41 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Speaking of horses...

http://www.dankatie.com/funstuff/horses/

I don't know how to create a link, but you can copy and paste it to your browser. Have fun!

Rodney

IP: 66.137.71.2

Jan 4th, 2008 - 10:39 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then said, "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Rodney

IP: 66.137.71.205

Jan 5th, 2008 - 10:02 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 South, just outside of Washington, DC.

Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Nancy Pelosi. They're asking for a $100 million ranson; otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

Rodney

IP: 66.137.71.160

Jan 8th, 2008 - 9:13 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists, too. Not really knowing what atheism is, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron? What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

Rodney

IP: 66.141.79.119

Jan 10th, 2008 - 8:15 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

One day the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine. Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch. When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she found that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.

"Hello! Hello!" she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!" But there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White called again, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"

This time, just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine. The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved, said, "Well, at least Dopey's still alive..."

Rodney

IP: 66.141.75.220

Jan 16th, 2008 - 12:36 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A rich guy in Louisiana decided that he wanted to throw a party and he invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time talking, eating crawfish, gumbo, and BBQ, and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the rich dude said, "I have a 10-foot, man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Boudreaux in the pool!

Boudreaux was fighting the gator and kicking its behind! Boudreaux was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Boudreaux and the gator were screaming and raising the devil.

Finally, Boudreaux strangled the gator and let it float to the bottom like a K-mart goldfish. Boudreaux then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the rich guy says, "Well, Boudreaux, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Boudreaux.

The rich dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Boudreaux.

The rich man said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Boudreaux again said, "No."

The confused rich guy said, "Well, Boudreaux, then what do you want?" Boudreaux said, "I just want the name of the guy who pushed me in the pool."

Rodney

IP: 66.141.77.112

Jan 18th, 2008 - 9:26 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

GOVERNMENT EXPLAINED

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science, which has been named Governmentium. Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four or five days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a very high concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.

Rodney

IP: 66.141.79.188

Jan 29th, 2008 - 8:21 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

(Some of y'all have already seen this joke, but it's time for something to be posted in this here forum, by cracky!)

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, said, "But, sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Valerie Protopapas

IP: 24.46.132.77

Feb 22nd, 2008 - 10:11 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

The CIA wanted to hire an assassin and each candidate was put to the test. One fellow came in and the agent interviewing him handed him a pistol and said, "Your wife is in the next room. Go in there and kill her!"

The man look horrified and retorted, "I couldn't do that!"

The agent took back the gun and said, "You're not the person we're looking for." The man left.

A second man came in and the agent did the same thing. As the man went into the other room, another agent who was watching said to the first agent, "That's terrible! How can you do something like that!"

"Relax!" said the first agent, "the gun's not loaded. We only want to see if the candidate has the guts to do it!"

A few moments later, the man returned, chagrined. "I couldn't do it," he said, returning the gun to the first agent; he then left.

Finally, a woman came in. Again, the agent handed her the pistol and said, "Your husband is in the next room. Go in there and kill him!" And she went. In a few minutes there was a great deal of screaming and crashing and finally, the woman returned. She was bleeding, disheveled and covered with blood. The two agents looked aghast at her. She returned the gun to the first agent and said breathlessly, "The ****ed gun wouldn't fire, so I had to beat him to death with a chair!"

Valerie Protopapas

IP: 24.46.132.77

Mar 5th, 2008 - 4:40 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A charming Southern lady was driving across the bridge over the Savannah River one day when she saw a man who obviously was preparing to jump to his death in the water below. She quickly pulled over, got out of the car and called out to him, "My deah suh! Do NOT jump! Think of you wife and children!"

The man looked back at her and said, "I'm not married and I don't HAVE any children!"

Somewhat disconcerted, she cried out again, "Think of your deah mother and father!"

He called back, "They're both dead!"

Finally, in desperation, she cried, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee!"

The man looked at her and said, "Who is Robert E. Lee?!"

For a moment the woman was stunned, but then, she gathered herself together and called back, "Well, yall go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee!"

Rodney

IP: 66.138.33.236

Mar 24th, 2008 - 3:38 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

MYSTERIOUS SOUND

A man is driving down a country road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching, he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for. By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self-deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl, and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has now become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Rodney

IP: 66.141.74.79

Mar 28th, 2008 - 1:18 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Thibodeaux was driving his car past Boudreaux's house and saw a sign out front that read: "Boat For Sale."

So Thibodeaux marches up to Boudreaux's front porch and raps hard on the door. When Boudreaux opens it, Thibodeaux says, "Boudreaux! How long we ban frands?"

Boudreaux says, "Well, all our lives, Thibodeaux."

Thibodeaux says, "Why don't you told me you gotta boat?"

Boudreaux says, "I ant gotta boat!"

Thibodeaux says, "Da' sign say 'BOAT FOR SALE.'"

Boudreaux says, "OH, NO, Thibodeaux! See dat old '72 Ford pickem'up truck over dare?"

Thibodeaux says, "Yas, I see dat old pickem'up truck."

Boudreaux says, "See dat '76 Cheverlet see-dan?"

Thibodeaux says, "Yas, I see dat see-dan."

Boudreaux says, "Well, dey boat for sale."

OKConfederate

IP: 66.138.33.134

Apr 6th, 2008 - 10:13 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

"Sir! Sir!" came the excited cry from the Yankee corporal just out of sight behind a low ridge. "I've captured a Rebel, sir!"

"Very good, Corporal! Bring him over here and let's have a look at him!"

"I can't, sir!"

"Why not?"

"The Rebel won't let me, sir!"

OKConfederate

IP: 66.141.78.177

Apr 11th, 2008 - 10:03 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

.......

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

.......

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was asalted.

.......

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

.......

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer, please, and one for the road."

.......

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

.......

Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

Patient: "Is it common?"

Doc: "It's not unusual..."

.......

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

.......

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.

.......

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

.......

I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day, but I couldn't find any.

.......

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

.......

Question: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Answer: A fsh.

.......

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

.......

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the photo, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a photo of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

.......

And finally, there was the person who sent sixteen different puns to his friends (or should that be acquaintances?) with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Rodney

IP: 66.141.76.32

Apr 16th, 2008 - 11:20 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

This is gross, but I don't think it would be considered inappropriate for this forum:

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough; it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Rodney

IP: 66.141.75.78

Apr 17th, 2008 - 8:39 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

This is an amazing elephant story!

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It probably wasn't the same elephant.

radiofreedixie

IP: 64.12.116.6

Apr 18th, 2008 - 9:40 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

when i was a boy there was a radio station that was
running an ad for a clothing store.the announcer said
we now have ladies panties half off and coming on down.

Rodney

IP: 66.137.70.241

Apr 20th, 2008 - 8:19 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

This might not be a joke in some places:

Notice to Employees
(Includes Temporary and Part-Time Staff)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' notes as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having any type of surgery will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to or after death.

This new benefit program goes into effect immediately.

The Management

Rodney

IP: 66.138.32.1

Apr 24th, 2008 - 8:58 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care,
Ricky

Rodney

IP: 66.137.70.233

Apr 26th, 2008 - 12:36 AM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

Six reasons not to mess with children:

(1)
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

(2)
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

(3)
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year olds.

After explaining the commandment to honour thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, "Thou shall not kill."

(4)
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

(5)
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."

(6)
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Rodney

IP: 66.138.33.145

Apr 27th, 2008 - 10:15 PM

Re: Jokes-Keep them Clean

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing." My mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says (as only a mother would know)...

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?"

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