Jim is an Aggie, and a farmer in Texas.

He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a
nice one for sale over in Okahomer (that would be 'Oklahoma'for you non-Texans out there).

He drives to Okahomer, finds the farm, and looks
at the cow.

Aggie Jim reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts.

Aggie Jim is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow,then reaches under the cow to
try again.

he grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts
again. Milk does come out however, so after some
discussion with the cow's current owner, Aggie Jim decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Texas,he calls over his neighbor, Steve, and says,'Hey,Steve, come over and
look at the new cow I just bought.
Steve comes over. Aggie Jim says, 'Pull her teat, and
see what happens.'
Steve reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow
farts.
Steve looks at Jim and says, 'You bought this
here cow in Okahomer, didn't you?'

Aggie Jim is very surprised since he hadn't told
Steve about his trip.Jim replies,
'Yeah, that's right. But how did you know?'
Steve says, 'My
wife is from Okahomer.'

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

Q. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

A. You hear of them but you never see them.

A farmer, who is not familiar with new technolagy, never went on a plane, but had to visit his sick daughter in California. He asked the flight attendent where the bathroom is, and he pointed all the way in the back of the plane, but he said don't press he third button. He went in, and pressed the first button. It throughly cleaned his front private. The second one cleaned his back private throughly. The memory haunting him of the flight attented saying not to press the third one, curiosly, he pressed it, and ended up in the hospital. He woke up and said "What happend?" "Well..." The doctor replied, "the third button on the plane, was the tampon remover."

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'

'Well,' Jake replied, 'The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'

A STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Deaf Wife…

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den.

He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?


No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?



Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?"



Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)




"Ralph , for the FIFTH **** time, CHICKEN!"

Christmas Tattoo
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good-bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

TOP ADULT JOKE OF THE YEAR. !!!!!!!!

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the Breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I
know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know,honey,' The little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'

Another new illness to watch out for!


A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.


'What's the matter?' he asks.


'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak voice.


'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'


'I can't see my ass coming into work today.

THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table,
he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do I have to go through
this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma
Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the
coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put
everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early
morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the ****
table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to
drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with
your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more
time; I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ED PORRIDGE YET!!


SOMEONE ELSE PUT SOME MORE JOKES ON HERE!!!!!!

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Sven & Olaf were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light. 'Ya, shure, I
tink I haff a lighter', he replied.
Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10
inches long.
" Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his
hands. Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell', replied Olaf, 'I got it from my Genie'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure, it's right here in my tackle box, says Olaf.
'Could I see him?' asked Sven.
Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere, I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will', says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is
filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf, 'Yumpin'
Yimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Olaf answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the
Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Subject: Fw: : Senior Sex



Senior Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, 'You appear to be in good
health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually
cold and chilly.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first
time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart, she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January.'

VERY INTERESTING STUFF


In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander, the Great; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind yo

You're An EXTREME Missouri Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Paragon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

A Bit of History

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be ****tin' Me"
came from?


Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of
Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware
River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was
extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them
about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and
stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to
keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging
the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and
his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for
nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of
them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side,
wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they
must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they
didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the
forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A
huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George
Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and
desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a
broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the
right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do
you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be ****tin' me."

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects.

'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold onto when I yank out your tooth.'

=

A Kind Lawyer... One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'


Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'



To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'


The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'



Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.



When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'



Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Making a baby. This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--



The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags.. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


***********************************************

***********************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.




********************************************

********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*******************************************

Baby's First Doctor Visit


This made me laugh out loud.


I hope it will give you a smile!


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,


Waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,


Checked his weight, and being a little concerned,


Asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.


'Breast-fed,' she replied.


'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.


She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and


Rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional


And detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,


'No wonder this baby is underweight.


You don't have any milk.'


I know,' she said,


'I'm his Grandma,


But I'm glad I came'.

An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,'Hey, old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer, 2007 Release).

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

BUBBA AND THE WAL MART TEST
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
;
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the interviewer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, 'A THOUGHT.'
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
It's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.'
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.
'And now you sir?' he asked the second man
'Hmm. Let me see. A BLINK!
It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A blink of an eye is the fastest thing I can think of.
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's very good.'
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.
When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light, 'he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the three previous answers,
It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh I can explain.' said Old Bubba. 'You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT,
I had already crapped in my pants.'
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!

Subject: WHAT'S IN A NAME

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Ft. Myers,Florida . She looked up and noticed that a gentleman her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, made himself comfortable, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. �Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. �My husband passed away years ago and it is very lonely" she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, She persisted, "Do you like ***** cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his bl anket and on to her, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped, and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied....

"How did you know my name was Katz?"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young

mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he

said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter

Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with

money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to

the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself

in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy,

quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on,

Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City . He
tells the sales lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size
34B.' With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, 'What kind of bra?' He
repeats, 'A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a
Southern Baptist bra, and that you would know what she wanted.' 'Oh, yes,
now I understand,' says the sales lady. 'We don't get as many requests for
them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the
Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.' Confused, and a little
flustered, the man asks, 'So, what are the differences?' The sales lady
responds. 'It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses,
the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright.' He muses on that information for a minute and
says, 'Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist
bra do?' 'Ah,' she replied, 'the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills.

My grandmother died in 1965, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to r

The long walks we used to take to the store, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand motherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember'', she said.

'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft Italian accent. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a
black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a
professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional
wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,


'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Bush Money!!!

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy.' Cheney added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,'Such big-shots back there. Sh*t I could throw all of y'all @sses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.' If you're one of those 56 million, pass this on.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed
one evening, when the misses felt her husband begin
to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he mumbled.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He
doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a
costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a
parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a
pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden
leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives
another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your
wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a
note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden
leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Sex, Church & Pancakes

Sex

The mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!'


Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a ****ed fine sermon. ****ed good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity. 'The man said, 'I was so ****ed impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'


Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a
loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door
where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring
rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife.
'Don't you remember about three months ago when
we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should

be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed,

And goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Ole and Sven were fishing on the Wisconsin opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I wished for a 10-inch Bic?'

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

EAR HAIR

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to
keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."