I was sitting around talking with cousins and aunts at a bridal shower this weekend and the subject came up as to what to look for in a spouse. My aunts who had been married for a long time had the following advice.

1) Be careful about just looking at personality. That's important, but it can change over time. The nicest person in the world can become cranky and
moody when they get sick, lose a job, or stay up all night because a new baby has been crying for hours.

2) Be careful about looking at looks. Looks fade as people put on weight, go bald, or turn grey and wrinkled.

3) Talk about sex drives and expectations. They will fade over time. The movies and popular magazines make sex seem like people have it all the time, but that's not often the case. Make sure both of you are realistic in your sex drives. Passion fades. Love kicks in and deepens.

4) Make sure you talk about finances and spending. If one of you likes to spend, make sure the other isn't controlling on saving.

5) If one of you is sloppy, make sure the other isn't a neat freak. Make sure you talk about who will do what with household chores. Habits that you notice before marriage will not change after marriage.

6) Make sure you talk about children. Don't just talk about how many you want to have, but talk about who will take care of what especially if you both have jobs. Talk about day care. Some people don't like to put their kids in day care. Resolve those issues before you get married. Make sure you talk about which religion you will raise kids in if you come from different traditions. Make sure you discuss how to handle your parent's expectations with childrens. Often parents give advice about kids meaning to be helpful, but they end up causing fights between spouses.

7) The bottom line is that as much as you think you know someone, people change over the years. The man or woman you marry, may not be the same in 10, 15, 25 years. The key is to look for someone who is tolerant and patient. Look for someone who communicates when they are mad. Someone who sulks and gives you the silent treatment will continue those habits in the marriage and that's a marriage that will have trouble when someone does that. Look for similar interests of course, but that can change over time as well. The key to a marriage is the desire to stay together, the ability to stay with one person and fight off temptation, and the ability to work things out when there are problems.