Seven Steps To Building A Resilient Relationship
Eve Delunas, Ph.D.


We live in an age when divorce rates have never been higher.
Currently in the U.S., one in every three marriages ends within
the first ten years. In California, one in every two marriages
ends in divorce. How can you avoid being one of these statistics?
What can you do to build a relationship that is strong, healthy,
and resilient?

Most of us know that, unlike what we see in the movies, "Happily
ever after" doesn't just naturally follow once you have found the
right partner. A healthy and happy relationship is the outgrowth
of your willingness to spend time and energy creating something
wonderful with your mate.

Relationships require regular maintenance. Like your car, you
can't wait until everything breaks down to begin giving your
partnership some attention. In my twenty-five years of working
with couples, I have noticed that many don't invest what it
takes to keep their relationship healthy and vibrant, until major
problems develop. Then they expect to quickly repair years of
cumulative damage, when it is often too late.


The key is to invest in your partnership while the going is good.
While there are no guarantees, this gives you the greatest
likelihood that your relationship will continue to thrive in the
years ahead. Here are seven things you can do to begin building
a healthy, strong, and resilient relationship today:

Action #1: Demonstrate you care every day.

Love is a verb. It is essential that you show your partner that
you appreciate him or her on a daily basis. Find out what pleases
your beloved, and then do it. Call to say "I love you," cook a
nice meal, clean up the kitchen, offer a back rub, give your
partner a break away from the house and kids. Do the little
thoughtful things that say, "your happiness matters to me." Note
the emphasis here is on what you can give, not on what you can
get, and not just once or twice a year, but every single day.

Action #2: Have fun together.

It's true: couples that play together tend to stay together.
Although this can be particularly challenging when the children
are little, it is of great importance that parents spend fun time
as a couple. Make it a priority to carve some couple time out of
each week, and know that it is the best thing you can do for your
relationship and for the children. Avoid discussing problems or
focusing on the children while out on your date. This is your
time to lighten up and enjoy each other.

Action #3: Let go of the past.

Your partner will inevitably make mistakes, hurt your feelings,
do things that infuriate you, and generally behave in ways that
you find unacceptable. Your challenge is to avoid keeping score.
Once you start holding grudges it is the beginning of the end.
Open your heart, let go of any bitterness and resentment you have
stockpiled, and forgive your partner for being human. Avoid
throwing your partner's past "wrongs" in his or her face. Live in
the Now, and let each day be a fresh, new opportunity to
demonstrate your love for each other.

Action #4: Bite your tongue.

Should you be tempted in the heat of anger, bite your tongue and
stop yourself from saying something hurtful which can create a
permanent tear in the fabric of your relationship. Once you have
used a negative label like "stupid," or "crazy," or an even more
derogatory term to refer to your mate, you can never erase it.
These words sting and scar. Vow to yourself that you will never
use them, no matter how much your mate has upset you.

Action #5: Listen and Acknowledge.

Listening does not mean you need to agree with what your mate is
saying. It only means you put aside your need to be right and win
long enough to try to understand and acknowledge what your
partner is thinking and feeling. Try not to give advice or to
criticize what you hear. Give your beloved your complete
attention, and summarize what you think he or she is trying to
tell you, without adding your own interpretation. Problems
dissolve when our goal is to listen and understand, rather than
to talk and convince.

Action #6: Work on changing yourself.

I can often tell in the first hour whether or not a couple is
likely to benefit from couples counseling. It all comes down to
how willing each person is to look in the mirror and focus on
changing himself or herself. When each is determined to change
the other, counseling is doomed to fail. When each is open to
accepting responsibility for his or her part in the relationship
difficulties, there is a good chance of success. The only one you
can change is you. Avoid pointing the finger of blame, and
instead place your attention on how you can be a better partner.

Action #7: Focus on what you like about your mate.

Whatever you focus on in another person gets bigger. If you focus
on another's faults, they will become predominant in your
relationship. Conversely, if you focus on the other's good
qualities (as most of us do at the start of a relationship) then
they will become prevalent in your interactions. Make a list of
all of the things you most appreciate about your mate, and read
it daily. Let his or her positive traits be your point of focus,
and watch as you literally bring out the best in your beloved.



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Eve Delunas, Ph.D., psychotherapist, author, speaker, trainer.
Offers proven strategies to help you rise above your limitations
and soar. Breaking the Spell of the Past--Book and Guided
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